Catch up
I'm going to post here what I posted in my LJ these past few weeks. It'll be going backwards. Sorry.
10:04 pm - I can still hear him...
Uncle Ragnar (the Wolf). My 2nd scadian uncle. The only one who retained the title of uncle ... passed away last night. *I'll be sobbing for a while*Party's still on for tomorrow,though now it's a necessity. Somebody bring scotch. We'll have to have a toast in his honour.To those of you who don't know me well - I'm not being cruel. I'm doing what I think he'd want me to do. He was always trying to bring me out of my depressions, any way he could.
Our big thing, especially as I learned to flirt was:
Him: Are you behaving?
Me: Of course!
Him: Ah ha, but how are you behaving?
Me: Badly of course!
This stemmed from:
Him: Are you behaving?
Me: No.
Him: Ah, but I never asked HOW you were behaving. Are you behaving badly?
Me: Of course.
Him: Then you're still behaving.
End with a laugh and a big bear hug. I'm going to go now.
current mood: crushed
current music: harry potter
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
6:32 pm - I did it! I did it!
I figured out - by ear - the intro to On We Go - by Burlap Lute! Squeee!Oh,
AND I figured out the name of the crocodile dance - Gracca Amoroso AND - Justinian and I will be teaching the ball at Kingdom's Crusades
AND we're BOTH on the list
AND - Justinian and I will be teaching at Wheaton Village. Whoo Italians! SQUEEHappy dancy bits!!!OH OH AND - Either tonight - thursday or BOTH Trehaurn will be at practice.Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce!
current mood: happy
Monday, August 28th, 2006
5:42 pm - Thanks
Thanks to everyone's kind words. I wound up crying until I passed out last night. Woke up this morning and completely forgot why I was so upset. Remembered about 1/2 way through the day and was like, I don't think I need to tone or lose weight. I asked the Don what he thought - he doesnt' think I need to tone or lose either, though he was upset about how upset I let someone's stupid opinion make me. I'm telling ya, it was such a bad weekend, it was like the straw that broke the camels back.But thanks to everone. I got all teary reading everyone's comments. It's good to know I have that support system. I love you all. current mood: drained
12:47 am - Extra Limited Filter - And no one loves you when you're evil
I got fitted for a new dress today. I'm WAY the fuck out of proportion - 32 chest, 29 waist, 39 hips. I was told - "I could understand if you want to go back to being borderline aneorexic to trim down a bit, but I don't feel comfortable with that suggestion."Okay for those who don't know it, telling a recovering aneorxic something like that is devastating. I've been crying for the past two hours. The only thing that's been calming me down is playing the recorder. I'm going to look into body sculpting... because my hips are huge. Nice child bearing hips (for my size) but otherwise, I'm just a cute little fucking pear. (no tasty jokes for those of you on this list that would make them)I've been doing dance, gymnastics, and leg exercises my WHOLE life - so it's not a surprise. There are certain stretches that don't even strengthen anymore, barely maintain, but they give me the flexibility I need on the fencing list - so I keep them up (like the candlestick pose from yoga, and the side kicks, where you're laying on teh floor and kick up. Sometimes I do scissor kicks and such when I'm board, but generally not.) The other stretches doen't seem to do anything for me - not even when I was younger, so I take what works.I'm a size 8 in pants. I should not be feeling this lousy about my proportions. But, I do. I remember my first dress - my friend Andre tailored for me. My measurements were: 31 chest, 18 waist, 27 hips. I was 97lbs. Now, I'm 125. These are not big numbers - so why do I feel so unattractively huge? Why can't I kick the feeling of just sleeping - until my body dies? Why can't I just think - no, I look fine? Because of something some pattern and it's tailor said? Because I was sick. And because it was implied even ever so slightly that I would look better sick than I do 'healthy'. That I'm not attractive this way. That I'm wrong to be this way. This has just been the weekend for tears, hasn't it? I wish I had draino.
current mood: depressed
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
10:24 am - All I really want
Okay - I have a few things that I really want to happen in my life right now... even if they don't happen RIGHT NOW.Not discussing them here - but if I'm acting bitchy or cranky it's because I have other things going on that affect my life as a whole.I'll leave it at that.
current mood: pissed off
10:04 pm - I can still hear him...
Uncle Ragnar (the Wolf). My 2nd scadian uncle. The only one who retained the title of uncle ... passed away last night. *I'll be sobbing for a while*Party's still on for tomorrow,though now it's a necessity. Somebody bring scotch. We'll have to have a toast in his honour.To those of you who don't know me well - I'm not being cruel. I'm doing what I think he'd want me to do. He was always trying to bring me out of my depressions, any way he could.
Our big thing, especially as I learned to flirt was:
Him: Are you behaving?
Me: Of course!
Him: Ah ha, but how are you behaving?
Me: Badly of course!
This stemmed from:
Him: Are you behaving?
Me: No.
Him: Ah, but I never asked HOW you were behaving. Are you behaving badly?
Me: Of course.
Him: Then you're still behaving.
End with a laugh and a big bear hug. I'm going to go now.
current mood: crushed
current music: harry potter
Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
6:32 pm - I did it! I did it!
I figured out - by ear - the intro to On We Go - by Burlap Lute! Squeee!Oh,
AND I figured out the name of the crocodile dance - Gracca Amoroso AND - Justinian and I will be teaching the ball at Kingdom's Crusades
AND we're BOTH on the list
AND - Justinian and I will be teaching at Wheaton Village. Whoo Italians! SQUEEHappy dancy bits!!!OH OH AND - Either tonight - thursday or BOTH Trehaurn will be at practice.Bounce Bounce Bounce Bounce!
current mood: happy
Monday, August 28th, 2006
5:42 pm - Thanks
Thanks to everyone's kind words. I wound up crying until I passed out last night. Woke up this morning and completely forgot why I was so upset. Remembered about 1/2 way through the day and was like, I don't think I need to tone or lose weight. I asked the Don what he thought - he doesnt' think I need to tone or lose either, though he was upset about how upset I let someone's stupid opinion make me. I'm telling ya, it was such a bad weekend, it was like the straw that broke the camels back.But thanks to everone. I got all teary reading everyone's comments. It's good to know I have that support system. I love you all. current mood: drained
12:47 am - Extra Limited Filter - And no one loves you when you're evil
I got fitted for a new dress today. I'm WAY the fuck out of proportion - 32 chest, 29 waist, 39 hips. I was told - "I could understand if you want to go back to being borderline aneorexic to trim down a bit, but I don't feel comfortable with that suggestion."Okay for those who don't know it, telling a recovering aneorxic something like that is devastating. I've been crying for the past two hours. The only thing that's been calming me down is playing the recorder. I'm going to look into body sculpting... because my hips are huge. Nice child bearing hips (for my size) but otherwise, I'm just a cute little fucking pear. (no tasty jokes for those of you on this list that would make them)I've been doing dance, gymnastics, and leg exercises my WHOLE life - so it's not a surprise. There are certain stretches that don't even strengthen anymore, barely maintain, but they give me the flexibility I need on the fencing list - so I keep them up (like the candlestick pose from yoga, and the side kicks, where you're laying on teh floor and kick up. Sometimes I do scissor kicks and such when I'm board, but generally not.) The other stretches doen't seem to do anything for me - not even when I was younger, so I take what works.I'm a size 8 in pants. I should not be feeling this lousy about my proportions. But, I do. I remember my first dress - my friend Andre tailored for me. My measurements were: 31 chest, 18 waist, 27 hips. I was 97lbs. Now, I'm 125. These are not big numbers - so why do I feel so unattractively huge? Why can't I kick the feeling of just sleeping - until my body dies? Why can't I just think - no, I look fine? Because of something some pattern and it's tailor said? Because I was sick. And because it was implied even ever so slightly that I would look better sick than I do 'healthy'. That I'm not attractive this way. That I'm wrong to be this way. This has just been the weekend for tears, hasn't it? I wish I had draino.
current mood: depressed
Sunday, August 27th, 2006
10:24 am - All I really want
Okay - I have a few things that I really want to happen in my life right now... even if they don't happen RIGHT NOW.Not discussing them here - but if I'm acting bitchy or cranky it's because I have other things going on that affect my life as a whole.I'll leave it at that.
current mood: pissed off
posted by Niki at 8:57 AM
1 Comments:
Niki,
I'm so sorry! I know it's hard to lose someone you care about. I hope you are okay. If you need anything let me know.
Also, if you need a smile, I just posted some new pics!
Love you!
Sandie
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