The time has come, the walrus said - to have a nervous breakdown
Okay - I've had crappy weeks in the past- but this week was one of the CRAPPIEST I've had in a phenomenally long time.
Okay - so last weekend I had friends over. And that was good. But I later learned about several people who were uncomfortable because of other people's immaturity. Then other people were pissed at me for having over OTHER people because each thought the other was stuffy, stuck up, too quiet, etc. People fucking grow up! It's a few hours with new people - get to know somebody. If you don't like them, don't talk to them! I'll admit my place isn't big enough to go into another room, but REALLY!! I felt like I was in kindergarden.
Then I got a client of mine poached. The poaching isn't what got to me either. It was the blatent put downs I had to endure, and me - trying to keep everying diplomatic and light - because you just don't cause a scene according to my upbringing. Here's the situation.
Said other MT (Massage Therapist) and I long since came up with boundries - he stays in Western PA, I get NJ and we share Philly. My client has a whole host of issues. I call said client (hereby known as C) my science experiment - C knows that.
So I told the MT to work on C because he's really good with things like this. I thought - it's about C, so whatever works I'm good with. MT does great things for C. All is good. Then I'm suddenly sucked into a conversation of:
*Well, if a massage therapist doesn't know what these muscles are, and what they attach to and where they affect, then their no massage therapist at all.
(I've been out of school for 6 years. I don't use the proper muscle names 9x of 10. But I know what attaches where and what they affect. AND if you say where are the I'll tell you. My brain just works different.)
*You know I (MT) talk to all these new massage therapist, and I"m like how long did you go to school - and their like 9 months. Yea, no. Nobody knows anything after 9 months. You're not fucking touching me if you've only been to school for 9 months. I don't trust you. I don't trust that you know what you're doing. (Just for the record, C agreed with the statement.)
(*raising hand* 9 months. Excelled program 47 hours per week. Two years worth of work in 9 months, but still - 9 months)
It was later pointed out that I"m not good at deep tissue or the physical therapy aspect of massage. I'll give him the PT part. But I thought I was good at deep tissue- at least that's what my clients say. And, it was pointed out that if somebody wants to feel good I'm the person to go to, but if they actually want to get fixed - that I'm just not the best person for that. (I almost cried.) And just for the record, I've worked on said MT about 3x since and including being in school.
I have since turned people to others - when they wanted to know what was going on. People who've been coming to me for years, suddenly heard - I just don't know ... ask so-and-so. I've been turning down and away massages left and right and doubting myself when I am working on people. I've never felt so low about something I've always loved so much.
That alone, would make this week a crappy one. But, let's move on to Monday.
Monday:
I got back an essay I wrote for school - ungraded. It took them 3.5 weeks to tell me that there were issues and to redo it. GAHHHH!!!
Tuesday:
Had to go to Ponzio's for breakfast to wish off a co-worker who's leaving us. Got to work early - forgot about Ponzio's. Got there late.
Had to do the exit interview - yay for me for training. Sucky for the losing of the co-worker though.
A person I once knew showed up at Fencing practice. (practice itself was a blast, btw) I avoided him like the plague- as per usual. Background: He and I almost had a past several times. About 3 years ago I decided flirting was fine, but that's it. He didnt' get it. So I disappeared. About a month ago I met up with him again. It was like old times. I even kissed him and realized there was less than nothing there anymore. Whoo frelling hoo! Well, he thought it was going to be like really old times. And even though I tried to be nice when telling him no -like I"m not in the mood anymore, etc. He just didn't get it. So I started avoiding him again.
Which brings us to Tuesday. He shows up and confronts me on 'what's changed' because apparantly I've been acting 'differently'. I told him nothing changed. And when he smiled I added, except I don't want to sleep with you. He got mad, and said FINE and left. I was like okay, whatever.
So he follows a few of us to Friendlies. When he gets out of the car I'm looking at him like 'You wouldn't be THAT stupid.' Yup, confronted me there. First he was like 'I think I'd better leave.' And I was like 'good idea'. Then he says - but you have to call me because we have to talk about this because you're fucking crazy. I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but you always do this. You always change your mind, and there's just something wrong with you.
When I say I was beyond words - I don't mean I just stood there, helpless. I mean that I very clearly saw myself punching through his skull. To the degree that I almost ran after him to do it.
WHITE RAGE IS BAD!!!
Wednesday:
I got told that my grandfather will be goign through chemo for lung cancer. :(
Got yelled at for reading a book, 'that you shouldn't be reading, because that books' not for you'. Oh go fuck yourself. And thats' about what my response was. Followed by quite a few 'how dare you's, etc. I didn't take that well. Not even a little.
Thursday:
Taking a day off for the holiday got refused.
And I got given a project that should take about 6 hours a day for the next 2-3 years to complete.
Fencing was good, mostly. And I got to talk to a lot of good friends - and soem mead and got to vent A LOT. (thanks Tad, I needed that)
Friday:
I hurt my shoulder somehow and was told at least 3x at work 'too bad you don't know anybody who does massage, ha ha'. Thanks for freaking nothing you bozo's!
I also got told that a very good friend of mine will be moving to Albany. This one I'm totoally torn on. 50% is like WHOO HOO! Go you! totally happy for her, and Me - because this working out for her gives me a lot of hope for my life. However, I haven't made a good female friend in YEARS. Shes' the first I REALLY identify with. And now she's moving far far away. *sniff*
Saturday:
And today I got told that I may have to pay $90 for cable, if Dish Network can't get the satilite to run. (Direct TV said their's a branch in the way.)
I'm late getting to a friend's house.
And she's not going to the club tonight for family reasons.
Okay - so last weekend I had friends over. And that was good. But I later learned about several people who were uncomfortable because of other people's immaturity. Then other people were pissed at me for having over OTHER people because each thought the other was stuffy, stuck up, too quiet, etc. People fucking grow up! It's a few hours with new people - get to know somebody. If you don't like them, don't talk to them! I'll admit my place isn't big enough to go into another room, but REALLY!! I felt like I was in kindergarden.
Then I got a client of mine poached. The poaching isn't what got to me either. It was the blatent put downs I had to endure, and me - trying to keep everying diplomatic and light - because you just don't cause a scene according to my upbringing. Here's the situation.
Said other MT (Massage Therapist) and I long since came up with boundries - he stays in Western PA, I get NJ and we share Philly. My client has a whole host of issues. I call said client (hereby known as C) my science experiment - C knows that.
So I told the MT to work on C because he's really good with things like this. I thought - it's about C, so whatever works I'm good with. MT does great things for C. All is good. Then I'm suddenly sucked into a conversation of:
*Well, if a massage therapist doesn't know what these muscles are, and what they attach to and where they affect, then their no massage therapist at all.
(I've been out of school for 6 years. I don't use the proper muscle names 9x of 10. But I know what attaches where and what they affect. AND if you say where are the I'll tell you. My brain just works different.)
*You know I (MT) talk to all these new massage therapist, and I"m like how long did you go to school - and their like 9 months. Yea, no. Nobody knows anything after 9 months. You're not fucking touching me if you've only been to school for 9 months. I don't trust you. I don't trust that you know what you're doing. (Just for the record, C agreed with the statement.)
(*raising hand* 9 months. Excelled program 47 hours per week. Two years worth of work in 9 months, but still - 9 months)
It was later pointed out that I"m not good at deep tissue or the physical therapy aspect of massage. I'll give him the PT part. But I thought I was good at deep tissue- at least that's what my clients say. And, it was pointed out that if somebody wants to feel good I'm the person to go to, but if they actually want to get fixed - that I'm just not the best person for that. (I almost cried.) And just for the record, I've worked on said MT about 3x since and including being in school.
I have since turned people to others - when they wanted to know what was going on. People who've been coming to me for years, suddenly heard - I just don't know ... ask so-and-so. I've been turning down and away massages left and right and doubting myself when I am working on people. I've never felt so low about something I've always loved so much.
That alone, would make this week a crappy one. But, let's move on to Monday.
Monday:
I got back an essay I wrote for school - ungraded. It took them 3.5 weeks to tell me that there were issues and to redo it. GAHHHH!!!
Tuesday:
Had to go to Ponzio's for breakfast to wish off a co-worker who's leaving us. Got to work early - forgot about Ponzio's. Got there late.
Had to do the exit interview - yay for me for training. Sucky for the losing of the co-worker though.
A person I once knew showed up at Fencing practice. (practice itself was a blast, btw) I avoided him like the plague- as per usual. Background: He and I almost had a past several times. About 3 years ago I decided flirting was fine, but that's it. He didnt' get it. So I disappeared. About a month ago I met up with him again. It was like old times. I even kissed him and realized there was less than nothing there anymore. Whoo frelling hoo! Well, he thought it was going to be like really old times. And even though I tried to be nice when telling him no -like I"m not in the mood anymore, etc. He just didn't get it. So I started avoiding him again.
Which brings us to Tuesday. He shows up and confronts me on 'what's changed' because apparantly I've been acting 'differently'. I told him nothing changed. And when he smiled I added, except I don't want to sleep with you. He got mad, and said FINE and left. I was like okay, whatever.
So he follows a few of us to Friendlies. When he gets out of the car I'm looking at him like 'You wouldn't be THAT stupid.' Yup, confronted me there. First he was like 'I think I'd better leave.' And I was like 'good idea'. Then he says - but you have to call me because we have to talk about this because you're fucking crazy. I don't know what the fuck your problem is, but you always do this. You always change your mind, and there's just something wrong with you.
When I say I was beyond words - I don't mean I just stood there, helpless. I mean that I very clearly saw myself punching through his skull. To the degree that I almost ran after him to do it.
WHITE RAGE IS BAD!!!
Wednesday:
I got told that my grandfather will be goign through chemo for lung cancer. :(
Got yelled at for reading a book, 'that you shouldn't be reading, because that books' not for you'. Oh go fuck yourself. And thats' about what my response was. Followed by quite a few 'how dare you's, etc. I didn't take that well. Not even a little.
Thursday:
Taking a day off for the holiday got refused.
And I got given a project that should take about 6 hours a day for the next 2-3 years to complete.
Fencing was good, mostly. And I got to talk to a lot of good friends - and soem mead and got to vent A LOT. (thanks Tad, I needed that)
Friday:
I hurt my shoulder somehow and was told at least 3x at work 'too bad you don't know anybody who does massage, ha ha'. Thanks for freaking nothing you bozo's!
I also got told that a very good friend of mine will be moving to Albany. This one I'm totoally torn on. 50% is like WHOO HOO! Go you! totally happy for her, and Me - because this working out for her gives me a lot of hope for my life. However, I haven't made a good female friend in YEARS. Shes' the first I REALLY identify with. And now she's moving far far away. *sniff*
Saturday:
And today I got told that I may have to pay $90 for cable, if Dish Network can't get the satilite to run. (Direct TV said their's a branch in the way.)
I'm late getting to a friend's house.
And she's not going to the club tonight for family reasons.
posted by Niki at 10:31 AM
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