Okay I should be back at work by now...

I'm home for a while waiting for my furniture to arrive. I should probably eat lunch too, since I"m missing it. I'm trying to rid myself of my loveseat and entertainment until before (or soon after) the new ones arrive. I'm only asking $30 for each of them. And they're in good shape, tho the loveseat is vintage, and I'm just having no luck selling them, which I think is stinky. But, I'll curb them tonight if I have no biters by then. I've posted them on ebay, if anybody wants to take a look.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4450586902&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4450582972&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

My DVD player just died. It's been freezing and skipping lately, but it just ate the DVD. Don't ask. So now I have to spend MORE money I didn't want to. I don't like the ones at Target. Let's see about Walmart. Yup. For $35 http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=3163040

So, I had a thought the other day. Scary, no? Anyway, I was trying to figure out when I went from the kid who was, picked on, spit on, who people thew gum and food at, hit with doors, ganged up on, publically humilated, etc - to not only having one or two friends (Thanks Sandie and Kelly) but having several. Even so much that an outsider looking at my social calendar could call me popular. Ow, that hurt to write! I don't mean like the coolest kid on the block - far from it... maybe the coolest goth on the block, but if you've seen my block then you know that's not hard. But, I certainly have friends, and thinking about middle school no longer causes me to outright cry. Wonder when I grew up.

I saw the One Tree Hill I was talking about the other week. I actually took down quotes. They have some really REALLY awesome ones.

The title of the episode was: "With Tired Eyes, Tired Minds, Tired Souls, We Slept" - just like the Song by Explosions in the Sky

"It gets better. That pain in your stomach. That pain in your heart. The voice in your head, that goes away. It gets better."

"My best day was when nobody noticed I was there. And that's sad."

Mouth: I was in the A/V room and I come out and it's like Dawn of the Dead.

Abby Brown: What's wrong with you? He's just a kid. We're all just kids and we just have this life and the things you say and do, we feel that. How can you have so much hate in your heart? How can you act like it doesn't matter? It does matter. What happened to us? We're just kids. We can't be like this. It's not possible.

Ah - what I so wanted to say to those rich gossiping snobs.
Jimmy: You think so. You really think I am the only one. Then ask yourself this. Have you ever treated someone like crap in this school or left anyone out? Have you ever broken up with someone in the time it takes to pass a note and disappear? Or talk trash behind their back? Or maybe you just ignored it all? You know why you worry about the big game or the prom or the bake sale for the pep club. You ask yourself that and then you tell me if there is anyone else out there. --

This one reminded me of well myself - and my friends...
Mouth: It's not suppose to be this way. The artists, and the scientists, and the poets - none of them fitted in at 17. We're suppose to get passed it. Adults - they see kids killing kids, and they know it's a tragedy because they used to be those kids - the bullies, and the beaten, and the loners. We're supposed to get passed it. You're supposed to live long enough to take it back. Just take it back.

This is between Keith (the mentor-from what I can figure- to Jimmy - the outcast) just before Jimmy shoots himself.
Keith: I'm not gonna leave you here son. I'm not gonna do that and i'll tell you why. Cause I've been there. I've bought the gun, and i planned on using it ok. I've been there. And I wanna tell you something, It gets better.
Jimmy: Not this, it can't.
Keith: It does Jimmy. That pain in your stomach, that pain in your heart, it goes away. That voice in your head thats saying there's no way out, it's wrong Jimmy. Would you please, please just believe me. It gets better.
Jimmy: It won't! Not after this! I cant take this back! I can't erase this! (starting to cry) She's gonna die.
Keith: You don't know that.
Jimmy: I just... I wanted... I wanted them to leave me alone. I just.... I wanted them to like me.
Keith: I understand son. It's what we all want. Thats all any of us want.
Jimmy: I'm not here..... I'm not here.
Keith: Jimmy please..... it's gonna be ok son... it's gonna be ok.
Jimmy (pounding on his chest): But it hurts! It hurts! It always hurts!
Keith: I know..... please... please....
Jimmy: I'm sorry......
Keith: NOOOOO!!!!!!!

Okay this really tore me up the last time - and got to me again. I didn't buy the gun. But what Jimmy's saying - yea....I've been there. I've felt that. Especially the 'I'm not here'. It was like a song I used to sing... "I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think that they'll understand. When everything's meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am." which continues into "when everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know your alive." Which is actually how I felt when I started cutting.

Lucas: Does this darkness have a name? This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us? Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it? What happened to us? That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war... Hoping for their safe return... But knowing that some will be lost along the way. When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness. Does this darkness have a name? Is it your name?

At the end - before the monolouge, but after Jimmy (the outcast who holds the school hostage) kills himself, God Bless the Child is playing softly in the background, while you see everyone's reactions to the gun shot. (both in and outside of the school)

Just wow. And at 9PM on the WB too.

Okay I'm suppoed to be at work NOW. They can come any time now... sigh. Damn furniture people.